The Void

Ok. So.

This may get really dark.

There’s this thing that I have. It’s been there since I was little. There’s Josh whose like light. Everything will be ok. Everything is awesome. Love love love. Happiness. Peace. joy.

Then there’s the void. Think of it as anti Josh. See, sometimes I get overwhelmed. Too much things. And I break. I get stuck. I worry. I doubt. I feel lost. Like someone else has control over my smile. My thoughts. My being.

The void scares me. It comes with no warning. Just snap, I’m gone. March of madness is an example I guess.

I don’t wanna do things. I can’t think. I’m bored but not in a good way. Neurtic fear grips my heart. I pray and pray for it to go away. For something to trigger me back into me. I feel alone b. I feel crazy cause I’m aware and awake but I can’t shake it. I can’t let it go. It’s like I’m a fish and it’s a hungry squid. Im just wrapped up in it. On autopilot. Anxiety is at maximum. Fortunately this time I had people around. I at least still did things. When no one is here, I’m stuck in bed. For days. Crying. Cause I want out. I want it to end.

It’s like, a cloud moves over my body. Nothing brings joy at those moments. All I can hope for is a snap. A trigger. An it’s ok. I’m here. Something.

The void has been there as long as I can remember. I just stop. I go into survive mode. As I’ve become more aware, I’m more vocal about it.

I think it’s stress induced. My imagination is strong and my thoughts are always light speed.

I need to stay away from the void.

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