The Fall_personal notez_

Ok so,

I wanted to write more but I lack this thing called…discipline. Which pours over into consistency which makes me less and less reliable.

Good thing I don’t have like a slew of followers…or bad thing idk.

Anyway, I guess I will write when I get a chance to and I am not being lazy lolz

So let’s reflect over the past few months shall we? Get some uhm…clarity…around things.

 

I get back from Seattle and by GOD I had the greatest time. I didn’t do boat tours or climb mountains. I didn’t go to the top of the space needle (so its still on my bucket list) but I did see a different side of the country. And I got to show a different side of the bf! One word that describes that trip-family. Not my family *yet* but seeing a different family and their interactions and the love they have for each other thats not vocalized. To be a pseudo member and be anxious about things and to be teased about my driving, well after a while the teasing got old but still! I had a great time. I rode the train and visited pike market. I walked into this cool little book store. I took pics and kissed the bf in public! *though it was secluded mine you* It had me feeling like a teenager a bit. Words can’t describe the beauty of the mountains and the sounds and the lake and I can’t describe just how grateful I am for all of it.

Not only Seattle, but New Orleans as well! I linked up with my cousin whom I haven’t seen in YEARS and we had the BEST FUCKING DAY EVER without shopping to our hearts content. So many experiences….but I was dreading two things. The doctor, and school.

I landed back in Hel…Houston and a few days later went to get my annual. I was a big boy about it mind you, but the doctor always scare me. I never know what is going to be the thing that’s wrong, and neurotic fears of health have hounded me for over a decade. But I went and everything was clear, except my testrone levels. They were low and were low the year before, so now I am on hormone therapy.

How can I describe it. It makes sense, normal things that make people normal tired makes me very very tired. No one seem to get that, and still expect me to push through, but I was falling asleep without knowing it on some occasions. (even at work shhh) My mom and others rallied around me. My mom has issues with her hormones too so we think its hereditary at this point, and weight related. I researched and researched and nothing comes to mind that hasn’t been cleared by a doctor. Meaning that, the things that normally would cause my levels to drop aren’t even a blip on the radar! So we hope that with a change in diet, and working out and stuff along with gettting stuck every two weeks by Allen that my levels will balance back out. We will see in 2.4.19!

But the other thing is work. I am not as happy at work as I was at first. This group is stressful and the admin is stressful and…somehow I am poorer despite having a “raise” and living in a cheaper apartment. If I was to name this fall, it would be push through the stress. I try and I try and sometimes I don’t have any try left. I don’t know what will happen at the end of this school year nor do I know what God’s plan is for me at the moment, but I trusted him to get me this far and will continue to.

The rockstar of the fall is Bay. He has been omg the BEST person ever. He put up with my napping and consoled me. He became a little loan shark for me, he listened to my problems, he held me at night, he has done so much fuck I don’t know! The more I think I am going to lose him, the more he is right there, holding me through it all. God really gave me a rock hard person. I can weep and not feel judged or bitch and not feel bad about it. I try to mind my tongue with my insecurities, but also I want to share them because its more of a story of how he is wiping them all away. I really hope I can marry him. I know I know….but the idea is scary. The fear of backlash is scary as fuck. I don’t think either of us know exactly what we are committing to, but I hope time comes and rinses all of that way as well and it be as beautiful as I always dreamed it to be. Honestly, through all of this, he has not wavered. I know there’s millions of people in this city, but he is still choosing me. I am in awe of him. I love him so much. ugh just blushing thinking about it!

I can’t do anything but take it one day at a time. Its funny, I sit here to vent and write out all my woes and go in deep about them, but I realize every time just how blessed I am. Yeah, I have been broke longer than usual and yeah, work is hard, and yeah, my physical/mental cup is not as full…but I think about the summer…..I think about Bay….and I melt. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have someone waiting on them with open arms, a smile, and a kiss.That’s his its going to be ok, I guess.

 

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