Turning the tide

Typically, I would start a post with a mini-rant about how I think too much.

Well, lets let that go. I am posting this under the title of turning the tide because I am literally turning the tide. I am changing. I am growing. I am loving me. I am turning the page in the book. All the quotes!

Its time. It is way past time actually. I have struggled with my inner demons long enough. I thought and thought and fought and sunk into depression and had manic moments.

I have given up on myself, without even realizing it. I let life happen, under the idea that I am living it.

I finally found the “what’s wrong with me.” and you know what; turns out is absolutely nothing. Nothing.

Other than, not loving myself. Not really embracing the blessings. Not entirely being present in the moments. Allowing myself to be bored. All the things.

I wrote other notes and post about how I will change. About growing. But not really understanding my own motivations. I am driven to prove people wrong about me.

I cant be gay, STI free, and happily in love in a relationship with someone who love me back 20x over? Yeah lemme show you!

I can’t be a successful black man with dreads? Ok lemme get this career running real quick!

Oh I won’t live past 25? I am almost 30!

Countless times in many ways, people have doubted me. So, I set my sights on proving them wrong. Even with my friends, no they never doubted me but we always competed.

But what happens with your nay sayers become supporters? When you bested your competion.

You lose drive!

but then, I realized something tonight…I am my biggest critic. I give up on myself because I can’t really believe I can do something. I carry a lot of internalized doubt on my abilities.

I can’t quit smoking. yoga isnt for me. Why find yourself or grow when you’ve done that? Whats this eating healthy shit, fried  chicken is life! Take out is Life! You’ll never lose the weight. Fat ass. No one really wants to be with you honestly. Your fickle and inconsistent and you forget your promises. Your boring and doomed to fail at anything once your bored. You are a bad teacher honestly anybody would be better than you. Your too old for martial arts. You can’t dance anymore. you live in fantasy world where you think everyone is ok with you being gay, but honestly everyone hates you. You will never marry or have a family of your own…

Yeah, you  see why I have anxiety at times? Try carrying all that with you every day and fighting it. Those moments when I am not focus, one of these sentences or thoughts float in.

 

But its time I prove myself wrong! I finally see it! I need to do it. Yeah I will always have doubts on things. But if these doubts are keeping me from living my best life, then I must face them with courage. Bravery is on my top 5 character strengths so lets make it no. 1…

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